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Envy

At first, I can’t believe it. But then after opening my eyes widely, it came to inner me that everything is real. I am standing in front of your mausoleum. It’s been three months since the last time I saw you (literally speaking, it’s been 1 year and 10 months). Every time I visit you, I still feel the thunder roaring and lightning striking me. I still can’t believe that you are there, buried. And I am here, wanted to be buried.

I don’t know exactly what I wanted to say. But one thing I am sure about. That I really really miss you. We all do. I know how coward I am to face the reality. To digest it. To talk to you. I always envy Vanny when it comes to visiting you. She can always visit you anytime she wanted to. She can talk to you, she can confide everything to you. She always believe in you. You are always the source of her happiness. I wish I can easily do that.

When I was talking to him (V’s bf) about you, I wanna explode. He asked me if I am in a relationship and I said since you’re gone, I never dare to enter another. He said he envy me. I wanna scream as loud as I can till he can hear me! He envy me? How come? If he only knew how I wanted to disappear just to free myself being envious to him, to darling, to both of them. I wanna tell him, at least you are together! At least both of you are alive! You still have the opportunity to be with her. But me, Nothing! Nothing and Nothing! I can’t be with you anymore, B.

Maybe he visualized our relationship as a perfect one. But then we both know it’s not. In fact, their issues are nothing compare to our issues before. But one thing is I am proud of. We both know how to handle each other without any complains, without any conditions. We are together, full package. With all good traits. And definitely with all bad traits.

Happy birthday B. I know that you will not be B without V. And she will not be V without you. We will let you celebrate your birthday with her. But hey! That is just for today, you got it? we are not yet ready for anything, My Angel.

My eyelids are closing. I really bet our Senyorita slash Sungitera slash Heiress Nurse put a sleeping pill in my orange juice. Again! I’ll kick her sexy *ss when I regain my energy. I promise!

V, come back now! As in N.O.W. Snoopy’s are waiting for you. Besides I don’t know how to take care of your online house. It makes me dramatic! Silly Me.

XoXo,
Sae

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