Bear with me. BRB.

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May 30, 2010. Sana di ka na lang nag exist sa calendar. Sana di totoo. Sana i’m just dreaming.

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Enough na sa halalan.

Bago na layout ko. Yehey. Pero parang di ako satisfied. Pero ayos lang. Tamad na akong ayusin ulit eh.

Nga pala, pag ikaw ba nakaramdam ng paninikip ng dibdib, nagpapacheck up ka na agad?

Tipong palagi mong nararamdaman na sumisikip dibdib mo. Tapos hirap kang huminga. Yun bang minsan napapatigil ka sa paglalakad sa kalye kasi nga biglang maninikip dibdib mo. O kaya mapapatigil ka sa pakikipagkwentuhan o kaya mapapahinto ka sa pagkain kasi di ka masyadong makahinga.

Nagpapacheck up ba dapat agad sa doctor??

Pasaway mode na naman kasi ako. Di pa din nagpapacheck up kahit hirap ng huminga minsan. Parang ayaw ko ng bumalik ng hospital. Haays.

P.S.
Nurse Yeye, pwede bang ikaw na lang nurse ko?

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Maybe what they say is true that I am weak.

Can you blame me? If I want to save myself from all the pain?

Yes. Surely, there will be a begining of an ending.

And that beginning, or should I say ending, just happened.

After almost nine months. I did it!

And yes. It still hurts to face the pain. =(

XoXo,
SAE

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How about you? Aren’t you tired sleeping your head out? Wake up!

And please whatever happened last night, don’t do that again. You scared us to death! =(

XoXo,
SAE

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Will you allow your loved ones to step outside the exit door? Even you don’t know how you can you cope up with the emotions seeing one of the important people in your life living in pain – leaving in pain, as well? Or will you hold their hands until their last breath – without anyone deciding when will it be besides from our Almighty Creator?

That’s the foreword you included in your paper (not the exact words, though the sense is there..)

Euthanasia sometimes considered as suicide – or might be murder, which is against The Ten Commandments. You studied in a Catholic School that’s why it is a big controversial topic. Your teachers, even those who are not, are against your piece.

I don’t know the path /struggles you had doing that research paper. But for sure you passed it (if not, i think you had your first failing grade which is impossible for you)

We even argue about our side on this topic while you are working on this. I don’t know actually which side I will take. I am not a Catholic, but I was raised as one. But there is difference when it comes to Buddhism. But I won’t blab a lecture about that.

Euthanisia – Mercy Killing – Well Death. Whatever they can call it, I still can’t imagine it. Legal or Illegal.

~`~ Shobe ~`~

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Everything that you can ask for, we have it. Fancy cars. Houses Mansions with centralized aircon. Vacation house in exclusive island. Strong built businesses. Shopping spree. Hottest gadgets.  Money. Faces. Power. Connections. Anything! Ask us and we have it. We have everything.

Almost everything.

Everyone is saying, – You have a prefect life! We can conquer the land – the sea. Even the air. In just one snap of our fingers. Because just like what they said.. we have everything.

Yes, we have. We have a perfect life. Minus FREEDOM.

A perfect imperfect life.

Oh, btw. I am not going back to the Philippines to be with someone who’s so special to our family. I will stay here in California for indefinite time before I can have my vacation.

Another downfall of this almost-everything? We can travel anywhere we want – except Philippines.

PS.
Ate Karmi. I am STILL here in LA. Ok? Don’t throw the secret. Xiexie!

~`~ Shobe ~`~

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Finally, nagawa kong lumapit sa kaibigan ko na nasa ICU. Tatlong linggo na siya dun. Tatlong linggo na rin akong nagbabantay sa hospital. Pero kanina lang ako lumapit sa kanya. Palagi kasi akong one meter away. After sa nangyari kay B, natatakot na ako pag may nakikita akong Doctor na lumalabas sa ICU. Feeling ko may bad news silang dala.

Pero kanina, pumasok ako sa loob. Nagulat pa ako kasi nakita ko si Vanny doon. Ang tagal din kasi naming hindi nagkita. Hi daw pala sa inyong lahat sabi ni Vanny. Kinausap ko yung friend ko. Sabi kasi ng bf nya nung una siyang napunta sa ganung kalagayan, kausapin ko lang daw yung friend ko, maririnig naman daw nya ako eh. So kinausap ko sya. 

Ayaw mo pa bang bumalik?
Babalik din naman siguro siya pag handa na syang harapin lahat.
Babalik ka pa kaya kahit puro sama ng loob ang binaon mo? Kahit na nung bago ka umalis eh puro sakit ang nararamdaman mo?
Malamang babalik pa siya. Alam naman nating marami pa siyang pangarap di ba. Pero ang totoo kasi nyan siya lang ang makakasagot sa mga tanong natin.
Darling, bakit kasi ikaw ang sagot ka ng sagot? Bat di kaya ikaw ang bumalik at ng magkaentry naman yung ng maayos blog mo noh!
Parang nag-eenjoy pa ako sa pagpapahinga ko eh! Tsaka makakasagot ba yan eh alam mong tulog!

Hays. Kapag nagsama nga naman ang dalawang maldita. Tsk tsk.

Lumingon ako sa friend ko, nakita kong tumulo ang luha nya. Bumulong ako sa kanya.

Alam kong nahihirapan ka sa kalagayan mo ngayon. Alam namin na nasasaktan ka physically and emotionally sa lahat ng mga nangyayari. Pero gusto kong ipaalala sayo yung promise mo sa amin, na kakayanin mong lahat ng to. Na hahayaan mo kaming tumulong sayo at tutulungan mo rin ang sarili mo na makayanan ang lahat. One thing that make us strongly bonded is we always keep our promises. Kaya tuparin mo naman yung promise mo sa amin. At promise mo sa sarili mo na hindi ka susuko.

Bago ako lumabas ng ICU, nagpaalam na rin ako sa kaibigan ko. Kailangan kong umuwi ng Hongkong ngayong Friday. May kailangan lang gampanang responsibility sa bahay. Pero babalik agad ako. Kaya sana pagbalik ko, gising ka na. Kundi.. kundi..

Kundi! Naku! Kakalbuhin ka na talaga namin ni Shobe! At kukunin ko na yung Dolce and Gabbana Red Purry Bag mo! Alam mong matagal ko ng inaarbor sayo yun. Sige ka, gagamitin ko na yun!

At ikaw Vanny, umuwi ka na. Kundi ilalagay ko na sa bodega yung Walking Snoopy at yung Barking Snoopy mo na nasa condo. Kaya balik na. Di tuloy tayo nakapag Bora nung Holy Week eh. Behlat!

Seriously. To my lovingly friend, we really miss you. Please wake up. To my darling Vanny, I miss you so much! Please come back home.

PS.
Shobs, can you finish your exams faster and go back here in Phil? I think I’m getting insanity attack here.

XoXo,
Sae

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I don’t know exactly what I wanted to say. But one thing I am sure about. That I really really miss you. We all do. I know how coward I am to face the reality. To digest it. To talk to you. I always envy Vanny when it comes to visiting you. She can always visit you anytime she wanted to. She can talk to you, she can confide everything to you. She always believe in you. You are always the source of her happiness. I wish I can easily do that.

When I was talking to him (V’s bf) about you, I wanna explode. He asked me if I am in a relationship and I said since you’re gone, I never dare to enter another. He said he envy me. I wanna scream as loud as I can till he can hear me! He envy me? How come? If he only knew how I wanted to disappear just to free myself being envious to him, to darling, to both of them. I wanna tell him, at least you are together! At least both of you are alive! You still have the opportunity to be with her. But me, Nothing! Nothing and Nothing! I can’t be with you anymore, B.

Maybe he visualized our relationship as a perfect one. But then we both know it’s not. In fact, their issues are nothing compare to our issues before. But one thing is I am proud of. We both know how to handle each other without any complains, without any conditions. We are together, full package. With all good traits. And definitely with all bad traits.

Happy birthday B. I know that you will not be B without V. And she will not be V without you. We will let you celebrate your birthday with her. But hey! That is just for today, you got it? we are not yet ready for anything, My Angel.

My eyelids are closing. I really bet our Senyorita slash Sungitera slash Heiress Nurse put a sleeping pill in my orange juice. Again! I’ll kick her sexy *ss when I regain my energy. I promise!

V, come back now! As in N.O.W. Snoopy’s are waiting for you. Besides I don’t know how to take care of your online house. It makes me dramatic! Silly Me.

XoXo,
Sae

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